News From Nowhere
A Note from the Editor.
Welcome to News from Nowhere, probably the only place where you won't read anything about the current "Events in the Middle East" Instead, you get some ground-breaking stories that I can guarantee you won't read anywhere else.Endure. The Ed.
Farmer Thanks Geophysicists.
Farmers and Geophysical Surveyors can often be on opposing sides when it comes to evaluation work, especially if the proposed development is contentious or unpopular. In some cases it is a lose-lose situation for the Geophysicists: either the farmers want the development to go ahead and so don't want the surveyors to find anything; or they are against the development and refuse access to their fields as a way of delaying the whole evaluation process. One particularly angry farmer in North Yorkshire even tried encouraging the geophysicists to "get off my land" by driving towards them very quickly in a big tractor, only screeching to a halt at the last minute.But not so a Very Nice Farmer in Cornwall. So pleased was he at the work done to reveal an extensive Iron Age/Romano British settlement in his "back garden", that he went round and personally thanked each member of the survey team. "It was amazing", said one of the surveyors. "He shook hands with us and gave each of us a gift basket with fresh fruit, home made chutneys and preserves from his market garden. I couldn't believe it, it was really lovely."
Thursday 11th October 2001
Geophysicists Distraught at Loss of Assets.
Geophysicists at a well established firm are still recovering from the loss of one of their greatest assets: a fully functional multi-tasking specialist managerial robot. The Office Robot, Model Shield One had originally been commisioned to function as "the girl on the exchange", but its potential for expansion was soon recognised and exploited to the full. Extra programming was provided in specialist areas such as computer aided design and databasing and the robot expanded into the role of Office Manager.The robot was stolen recently by a bunch of high powered executives from the financial world. They reputedly paid a high price to have the Shield One delivered into their hands. The loss has deeply affected many folk in the Geophysics Company. "I know it was only an Office Robot" wept one employee, "but she was the life and soul, y'know..." "Who's going to book the Christmas Party this year?" asked another, plaintively.
Investigations into the theft are continuing and some sources have revealed that the financial executives may have had a contact inside the company. Several employees have been questioned and a prime suspect identified. The suspect, who cannot be named for legal reasons has denied all charges, stating "I'm nobody's deep throat"
TOP SECRET RESEARCH IS NOT WHAT YOU'D THINK
A special report by our undercover operative in the field.It all looks so "hush hush". The barbed wire atop the fences, the big gates opened electronically from inside a guard hut, having to sign in and out at the guardroom, cryptic messages coming across the two-way radios. Everywhere there are signs forbidding the use of cameras. Ironic, since I was there posing as a geophysicist working with a popular archaeology television programme. The liason folks were very friendly and tried to give us as much of the run of the place as possible. But it was tactfully suggested that we focus our attention on the matters at hand (the archaeology) and not at the aircraft hangars dotted about the place, wherein "sensitive" research was being undertaken. And just what is the focus of this research? Some lethal virus? A super spy kit? A new improved weapon of mass destruction? Were this any other similar establishment, perhaps so. But place was to have a different task.
"It all started when they wanted to put the foot and mouth burial pits next door." my informant told me. "At first, we didn't think anything of it, but soon...Well, it was the smell. Terrible. Of course they were using all the disinfectants and air fresheners, but they could never quite get rid of that stench. And then there were all the public worries about chemicals and health and the like. So that became our brief: to find out why, despite the best efforts of the environmental teams, the smell lingered so badly. And we did."
Indeed they did. It took them several months and during the process they developed several super-high resolution digital imaging cameras and some sound recorders working at frequencies hitherto unexplored. Not to mention the efforts of a team of top linguists and codebreakers. "The pictures are spooky enough" said my informant, "but it's the sound that really gets you. Realising there are words you can understand..."
AUDIO TRANSCRIPT:
"Attention Cows! On the count of three, FART!"
Lorry of the Week
Sorry, no Lorry this time round. Our main lorryspotter has been deskbound for some time, tied to an AutoCAD workstation digitising "small pieces of ferrous debris". However she wishes to thank the folks at www.lorryspotting.com for their nice email. If anyone wants to send in their own lorry lists email them to the address below.Any comments, suggestions for news stories, lorryspotting tales and other correspondence should be addressed to The Editor. Please avoid using rude/abusive language if at all possible. Compliments are particularly welcome.